This can include not only rape and inappropriate sexual intimacy, but it may be someone touching you in a way you don’t like, showing you pictures that you are not comfortable with, or talking about your body or sex in a way which disturbs you.

Sexual abuse happens to women and girls of all ages, from all backgrounds, and from all cultures and faiths. Any Muslim man involved in this unpleasantness will certainly have it recorded against him, and will face judgement for it in the Life to Come, whether or not he ‘gets away with it’ on this earth.

Many women and girls are sexually abused by men they know and trust, for example fathers, grandfathers, uncles, boyfriends or friends of the family. At least 65% of rapes are carried out by someone known to the woman. It is also abuse for a husband to force himself upon his wife, or act in any way she regards as offensive or distasteful.

Some women abuse, but the overwhelming majority of abusers are men. A woman can either abuse or seduce a man, but she has not got the physical equipment to rape him. Rapists often target very vulnerable people – such as small girls, women alone in vulnerable situations, or old ladies. It has little to do with the sexual attractiveness of the victim. The crime of men raping young boys or other men through the anus has now become much more common, and has made men in general more aware of how unpleasant a crime it is. Raped women have not secretly enjoyed it, or made a fuss over nothing!

Men often argue that the women concerned have ‘asked for it’, led them on by flirtatious behaviour or provocative clothing, or that they were unable to control their sexual urges. In fact, more than 80% of rapes are planned in advance. Muslim women can avoid arousing male urges by their modest dress, but it must be stated that many men are actually ‘turned on’ by veiled and modest women.

Some men think that if they spend a lot of money on a woman, they have the right to have sex with her. This is not the case. If a man buys a woman something, that is his choice; she does not owe him anything, least of all sex.

What you could do to help

For all these suggestions, the assumption is that you are an innocent husband or parent or guardian. If the husband, parent or guardian is in fact the abuser, the woman involved should seek outside help as soon as possible.

Listen to the woman and believe her. Let her know you are there to listen whenever she needs to talk. Women are often accused of making malicious allegations of rape against innocent men. In fact, false allegations are the same as for any other crime – around 2%.

If you are swiftly ‘on the spot’, make sure she does not destroy any evidence she might need – she should not take a bath but preserve any bodily fluids for forensic testing – including semen, blood, skin scratched under her fingernails, etc. She should keep her clothing for forensic testing also.
Respect her decision regarding reporting to the police. You can help her weigh up the pros and cons, but you do not have the right to pressure her.

Help her deal with the practical consequences. She may need to go to a clinic to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases, or she may need a pregnancy test.

Allow her to cry as and when she needs to. Crying and expressing her feelings are an important part of the healing process. Many women suffer all sorts of problems as the result of abuse. These include depression, selfdisgust, panic attacks, suicidal feelings, eating disorders and sleeping problems. They also include guilt feelings, and the overwhelming feeling that one has become ‘dirty’.

Reassure her that what happened was not her fault. Help her put the blame where it belongs – with the abuser.

Respect her feelings and decisions regarding any sexual contact. She may need reassurance that she is still attractive. Do not put any pressure on her. At all times she will need to be in control of intimate and sexual contact, even if you are her husband.

Above all, if you are a Muslim husband, do not regard your wife as in any way to blame – she is the victim of a crime, and one of her worst sufferings will be fearing that you will no longer love her, will treat her with distaste or distrust, or will abandon her and not be able to establish your own marital relationship with her again. You must raise above all your natural feelings, and do your utmost to reassure her and help her to heal. She has been abused, not dishonoured. Your feelings towards her should be as supportive and protective as if it was your son who was raped.